I did sport at midday and I was disapointed of myself. I couldn't dance on my step as well as the last time. I don't know why.Even the gym teacher noticed it.
After sport, I had a literature class (I'm studying English at the university). And I was again disapointed. The only persons who rose up the hand to suggest an answer were the girls who have been spending many months in England and who are speaking this language fluently. I'm not one of those girls who are always finding favour with teachers. I don't even dare to speak in class whereas I've always participated and asked questions during the last college year. Nowdays, my own levels isn't the average level of my class mates. Few girls (yeah, there are only 2 boys in my class !) can't speak English fluently and with a French accent like me but that's all.
After sport, I had a literature class (I'm studying English at the university). And I was again disapointed. The only persons who rose up the hand to suggest an answer were the girls who have been spending many months in England and who are speaking this language fluently. I'm not one of those girls who are always finding favour with teachers. I don't even dare to speak in class whereas I've always participated and asked questions during the last college year. Nowdays, my own levels isn't the average level of my class mates. Few girls (yeah, there are only 2 boys in my class !) can't speak English fluently and with a French accent like me but that's all.
The worst thing is that I can't go in England or any other country because of my fucking disease which is drug-addiction. I'm under Subutex and I am not feeling ready to give up my treatment just spend months foreign. I don't give a damn about speaking English fluently. My level is enough good for me but for teachers I had to reach the perfection. I'm almost forced to leave France, to leave my family and my friends just to learn English. If I don't speak English fluently it's the fault of the government and it isn't mine. I've started to learn English at 11 and I had already lost the faculty of remmembering a language easily. Teachers should be happy of my English level cos I had been learning many years without spending many months outside France. I've ever been in Manchester but it has been for only 5 DAYS !
I shouldn't have chosen to study English at the university. I've mistaken but I was completely high the day I decided on my studies. A malnourished borderline anorexic junkie's brain takes stupid decisions.
It's hard to study when I'm a codeine-addict. I really believed that I could easily study under medication for addiction as I studied when I was an anorexic and a bulimic. Now my ED's geting better but my addiction can't be making me success without some difficulties. All is hard : eating, recovering from drugs and sudying. The more I'm growing old, the more my life is becoming hard.
It's hard to study when I'm a codeine-addict. I really believed that I could easily study under medication for addiction as I studied when I was an anorexic and a bulimic. Now my ED's geting better but my addiction can't be making me success without some difficulties. All is hard : eating, recovering from drugs and sudying. The more I'm growing old, the more my life is becoming hard.
I've been getting on my nerves for many hours. I wanna snort Subutex and I will as soon as I'll be back home. But firstly I'm writing down on my thoughts and my anger in this post and secondly I will buy a Red Bull and thirstly I will go in the bus and finally I will come home and I will snort my Subutex. And I'll release. I will. The reasons of my strange relationship with Subutex are figured out in these moments I'm angry and a little depressed. I consider subutex as a drug and that's one of my major problems in my life. I want to break the habit but I can't. i can't even if I can't get high anymore with opiates. The fact of not getting high is hard to live and to release my anxiety instead of drugs I use ED's and some slight obsessive compulsive disorders such as checking out nothing is missing in my bag or washing myself with extreme care. Most of time I always eat the same thing such as a Nutella panini at midday, French toasts in the morning. Only at the dinner what I eat is different from one day to the next but after dinner I eat prunes cos it's laxative. I counted the grams of dietary fibers I ate everyday but now I always eat the same food to avoid counting everyday. Each day I must drink at least 2 liters of water. Obviously, if I gain weight I must fast instead of having a lunch wand I always have laxatives in the cupboard of my room.
And to finish I work out over 4 hours per week to be toned and have a perfect body.
And to finish I work out over 4 hours per week to be toned and have a perfect body.