Yesterday, I wanted to weight myself and I haven't. Why ? Just because I was demoralized because of an appointment at a rheumatologist's which didn't well happen. I've got a nerve jammed into a vertebral disc and my bottom hurts due to the fact a vertebra hasn't grown up like other vertebrae. Therefore this vetebra is smaller and a nerve can be stuck easily. This doctor should have understood to do the right ostheopatic manipulation and he didn't. He had just stretched my spine and my bottom is still hurting.
I was awfully disappointed and as soon as I went out, I cried. I had to hide myself in a courtyard behind a car to cry. I dried out my tears and I went at the chemist's to get my Subutex box. After, I went to the supermarket to buy a beer cos I wanted to get high and I drank in a courtyard (it wasn't the same courtyard that one where I was crying !). I spent almost half an hour to drink it when suddenly a man opened the window of the house which was just in front of me and he asked me if I was all right, if I wasn't cold and if I didn't need anything. I answered no and I thanked him. He was kind but if he talked to me it wasn't because he saw that I was sad but rather I had the same clothing style as the young alcoholic junkie punk homelesses. With a beer in my hand I look like them excepted the fact I have fewer body-piercings (I have just 4 ear lobe piercing I put navel jewels in cos it's so original and awesome !!). After this encounter I walked off.
I felt good with the alcohol which was running in my blood. I had just the equivalent to 2 glasses of wine but it had been a long time I hadn't drunk alcohol. As I came back home, I met a man who wanted to reverse his car out from his park place but he couldn't see the road cos a car was impairing visibility. He asked me if I could see the road to tell him when there was no car to let him drive backward and go on the road. He waved at me and so did I. I was happy to have helped him.
Once I was at home I was cying for 1 hour and my little brother came to console me and he told me : "You must speak this doctor. You must." My brother was really nice with me and he was right.
I finally went out again to Mac Donald's. I brought the meal at home and my little brother finished my hamburger ! I wasn't hungry at all due to the fact I had my period and that my PMS was over and because of also my hangover. Each time I do drugs or alcohol I'm not hungry at all. Even when I smoke pot whereas my friend is hungry a lot ! I don't feel anything when I smoke pot anyway. I have been doing codeine and Subutex for too long and too much to feel whatever when I do a weaker drug. I wish I had never been an addict. But it's my own fault. Nevermind, now !
I had never thought that I could have restricted without binging and purging. I had always known that I used to suffer from bulimia and anorexia but I did never pay attention to the word "anorexia". I was believing that I was an anorexic because of bulimia and for me "anorexia" meant more "restriction" than "impossibility of eating". But nowdays, I finally understand that anorexia joined my bulimia and that I can be an anorexic without being an bulimic whereas I've always perfectly known that I can be a bulimic without being an anorexic. What's more I 've always thought that my first ED was bulimia.
But, now I'm not suffering from bulimia at all. I'm suffering from anorexic tendencies. I don't think I've a complete and total anorexia cos I haven't stopped eating. I've just decreased the food intake everyday. But, paradoxically, I'm not counting calories anymore, I'm not continually obssessed by the scale neither the food. Anorexia has been changing as I've been become an adult. The food and scale obssesion has been turning into a kinda impossibility to eat and a loss of hunger.My brain should have become thoroughly familiar with the habit and the behaviour of food restriction. And I don't know what to do to get out of my mind this crap of food restriction.
What's more, I'm beautiful because my body is underweight. I'm 40kg and 1.52m (89lbs and 5ft) and my BMI is 17.4. I know I'm underweight but I tell myself every day that it isn't too dangerous cos I think it is when 15 of BMI is reached. What's more my stats are perfect for myself : 82/60/83 (32/24/33).
Problems are that the boys want to have sex with me cos I'm thin and most girls are jealous of me cos she wants the same body as me. What these girls don't know is that I'm suffering from ED's and I have to buy clothes in the children's clothes departments of the shops.
Once, a girls mate told me : "Fortunately that you are an anorexic", just because I could go into a room between a narrow space formed by a table stuck. Everybody comment on my slenderness to me, I'm getting very fed up with that. It's not allowed to laugh at fat people but it is allowed to laught at thin and stunt people. But, finally laughing at thin people is as nasty as laughing at fat people.I wish I was bigger. But I can't...