Encounters and my Current ED's

Yesterday, I wanted to weight myself and I haven't. Why ? Just because I was demoralized because of an appointment at a rheumatologist's which didn't well happen. I've got a nerve jammed into a vertebral disc and my bottom hurts due to the fact a vertebra hasn't grown up like other vertebrae. Therefore this vetebra is smaller and a nerve can be stuck easily. This doctor should have understood  to do the right ostheopatic manipulation and he didn't. He had just stretched my spine and my bottom is still hurting.
I was awfully disappointed and as soon as I went out, I cried. I had to hide myself in a courtyard behind a car to cry. I dried out my tears and I went at the chemist's to get my Subutex box. After, I went to the supermarket to buy a beer cos I wanted to get high and I drank in a courtyard (it wasn't the same courtyard  that one where I was crying !). I spent almost half an hour to drink it when suddenly a man opened the window of the house which was just in front of me and he asked me if I was all right, if I wasn't cold and if I didn't need anything. I answered no and I thanked him. He was kind but if he talked to me it wasn't because he saw that I was sad but rather I had the same clothing style as the young alcoholic junkie punk homelesses. With a beer in my hand I look like them excepted the fact I have fewer body-piercings (I have just 4 ear lobe piercing I put navel jewels in cos it's so original and awesome !!). After this encounter I walked off.
I felt good with the alcohol which was running in my blood. I had just the equivalent to 2 glasses of wine but it had been a long time I hadn't drunk alcohol. As I came back home, I met a man who wanted to reverse his car out from his park place but he couldn't see the road cos a car was impairing visibility. He asked me if I could see the road to tell him when there was no car to let him drive backward and go on the road. He waved at me and so did I. I was happy to have helped him.
Once I was at home I was cying for 1 hour and my little brother came to console me and he told me : "You must speak this doctor. You must." My brother was really nice with me and he was right.
I finally went out again to Mac Donald's. I brought the meal at home and my little brother finished my hamburger ! I wasn't hungry at all due to the fact I had my period and that my PMS was over and because of also my hangover. Each time I do drugs or alcohol I'm not hungry at all. Even when I smoke pot whereas my friend is hungry a lot ! I don't feel anything when I smoke pot anyway. I have been doing codeine and Subutex for too long and too much to feel whatever when I do a weaker drug. I wish I had never been an addict. But it's my own fault. Nevermind, now !

I had never thought that I could have restricted without binging and purging. I had always known that  I used to suffer from bulimia and anorexia but I did never pay attention to the word "anorexia". I was believing that I was an anorexic because of bulimia and for me "anorexia" meant more "restriction" than "impossibility of eating". But nowdays, I finally understand that anorexia joined my bulimia and that I can be an anorexic without being an bulimic whereas I've always perfectly known that I can be a bulimic without being an anorexic. What's more I 've always thought that my first ED was bulimia.
But, now I'm not suffering from bulimia at all. I'm suffering from anorexic tendencies. I don't think I've a complete and total anorexia cos I haven't stopped eating. I've just decreased the food intake everyday. But, paradoxically, I'm not counting calories anymore, I'm not continually obssessed by the scale neither the food. Anorexia has been changing as I've been become an adult. The food and scale obssesion has been turning into a kinda impossibility to eat and a loss of hunger.My brain should have become thoroughly familiar with the habit and the behaviour of food restriction. And I don't know what to do to get out of my mind this crap of food restriction.
What's more, I'm beautiful because my body is underweight. I'm 40kg and 1.52m (89lbs and 5ft) and my BMI is 17.4. I know I'm underweight but I tell myself every day that it isn't too dangerous cos I think it is when 15 of  BMI is reached. What's more my stats are perfect for myself : 82/60/83 (32/24/33).
Problems are that the boys want to have sex with me cos I'm thin and most girls are jealous of me cos she wants the same body as me. What these girls don't know is that I'm suffering from ED's and I have to buy  clothes in the children's clothes departments of the shops.
Once, a girls mate told me : "Fortunately that you are an anorexic", just because I could go into a room between a narrow space formed by a table stuck. Everybody comment on my slenderness to me, I'm getting very fed up with that. It's not allowed to laugh at fat people but it is allowed to laught at thin and stunt people. But, finally laughing at thin people is as nasty as laughing at fat people.I wish I was bigger. But I can't...

Not hungry

A girl just next to me (cos I'm at the college library) watched what I was doing on my PC and I had to change of computer. What's more I was changing of profil picture and I was looking for P-A icons.What's more I was scared of what she could read.  I don't know her but it's always disturbing notably cos my writings are about ED's and drugs.
I haven't eaten at midday and now i'm gonna work out. I hope I won't fain or even feel dizzy. I didn't wanna force me to eat.Therefore, I just drank a RedBull. But I must go to my training and feel my muscles hurt.
My parents won't at home tonight and tomorrow and I don't know what my brother and I will eat at dinner. I hope he won't wanna go at Mac Donald's. Hamburgers are too heavy on the stomach. What's more it's a little disgusting. My brother can eat 2 hamburgers with the biggest helping of chips. I don't know how he can, but I suppose normal people can eat more that I can.
Tomorrow I will weight myself cos it was a long time ago I didn't check out it. As my mom won't be there she won't catch me red-handed and she won't ask me what my weight is.
Shit ! I must go at the chemist's to have my weekly Subutex box. I'll start another box tomorrow and I didn't wanna go the day I begin the box cos I don't wanna wake up early just to avoid suffering withdrawal symptoms. I must go at the chemist's every weeks cos it's 7 pills boxes and I can only have just 1 box per week.Substituion treatments are very regulated in France and the pharmacist even have a row with me if I take one pill more than I need and if I come one day before to get my Subutex. The State is scared of black market and scared of the fact that junkies can take several pills to get high. What's more if the prescrition is predated or "afterdated" if the issue of Subutex is put back the chemist can't give us a complete box. Rubbish things. Garbage bullshits ! Subutex sucks. It's easier to have a Subutex prescription than to have the issue of the Subutex ! It's true, it is !

Now I must go. See ya girls, thanks to follow me !!

How to hide your weight loss to your mom....

Yesterday, my mom believed I've gained weight whereas I haven't. I had put on 2 underpants underneath my jeans - it was very cold outside : -2°C - and she didn't know this important detail. When she said :"You've put some weight back on, haven't you ?". I replied : "I don't know !". It's not a lie but neither the truth. I can see in the miror if I've gained only 1 pound and last time I watched myself  it doesn't seem to me I was fatter. My own eyes are a scale and the scale in the bathroom is only used to confirm and to write my real weight down. My weight is 89lbs for 1 year. Therefore I know exactly what I've been looking and I can detect any change in my body. So can my mother and I will start using whatever tips to hide my underweight body. She must not know how heavy I am. It's my problem not hers and I know she's jealous of my body, anyway.

It's so hard to study and to recover...

I did sport at midday and I was disapointed of myself. I couldn't dance on my step as well as the last time. I don't know why.Even the gym teacher noticed it.
After sport, I had a literature class (I'm studying English at the university). And I was again disapointed. The only persons who rose up the hand to suggest an answer were the girls who have been spending many months in England and who are speaking this language fluently. I'm not one of those girls who are always finding favour with teachers. I don't even dare to speak in class whereas I've always participated and asked questions during the last college year. Nowdays, my own levels isn't the average level of my class mates. Few girls (yeah, there are only 2 boys in my class !) can't speak English fluently and with a French accent like me but that's all.

The worst thing is that I can't go in England or any other country because of my fucking disease which is drug-addiction. I'm under Subutex and I am not feeling ready to give up my treatment just spend months foreign. I don't give a damn about speaking English fluently. My level is enough good for me but for teachers I had to reach the perfection. I'm almost forced to leave France, to leave my family and my friends just to learn English. If I don't speak English fluently it's the fault of the government and it isn't mine. I've started to learn English at 11 and I had already lost the faculty of remmembering a language easily. Teachers should be happy of my English level cos I had been learning many years without spending many months outside France. I've ever been in Manchester but it has been for only 5 DAYS !

I shouldn't have chosen to study English at the university. I've mistaken but I was completely high the day I decided on my studies. A malnourished borderline anorexic junkie's brain takes stupid decisions.
It's hard to study when I'm a codeine-addict. I really believed that I could easily study under medication for addiction as I studied when I was an anorexic and a bulimic. Now my ED's geting better but my addiction can't be making me success without some difficulties. All is hard : eating, recovering from drugs and sudying. The more I'm growing old, the more my life is becoming hard.

I've been getting on my nerves for many hours. I wanna snort  Subutex and I will as soon as I'll be back home. But firstly I'm writing down on my thoughts and my anger in this post and secondly I will buy a Red Bull and thirstly I will go in the bus and finally I will come home and I will snort my Subutex. And I'll release. I will. The reasons of my strange relationship with Subutex are figured out in these moments I'm angry and a little depressed. I consider subutex as a drug and that's one of my major problems in my life. I want to break the habit but I can't. i can't even if I can't get high anymore with opiates. The fact of not getting high is hard to live and to release my anxiety instead of drugs I use ED's and some slight obsessive compulsive disorders such as checking out nothing is missing in my bag or washing myself with extreme care.  Most of time I always eat the same thing such as a Nutella panini at midday, French toasts in the morning. Only at the dinner what I eat is different from one day to the next but after dinner I eat prunes cos it's laxative. I counted the grams of dietary fibers I ate everyday but now I always eat the same food to avoid counting everyday. Each day I must drink at least 2 liters of water. Obviously, if I gain weight I must fast instead of having a lunch wand I always have laxatives in the cupboard of my room.
And to finish I work out over 4 hours per week to be toned and have a perfect body.

I'm not pure anymore

I've got a cold sore and it makes me remmember that I was raped by a former boyfriend. I'm not really sure if it's a cold sore but I think so.but I'm sure I offered me my current underweight. It's been his own fault if i'm only weighing 89lbs. I had almost stopped eating naturally and lost over 10 lbs. I hadn't realized that I had been raped. I unconsciously denied the reality and the day i realized that it had happened to me I had been wasting my health for many months by snorting and injecting Subutex, by often fasting.

I was hurt by the reality. I couldn't realize that I had been raped. What's more i wish I had been able to refuse to have sex with him but I hadn't been and I felt guilty about it. I try to find consolation by saying myself that it wasn't my fault at all and that I was in the thrall of him and he manipulated me into accepting to have sex.

Now i'm living with that sad event of my past. He took the virginity of me but I'm still feeling virgin.

Since my rape I've gone out with another guy but I hadn't sex with him. Sex was the only thing he wanted from me anyway. Therefore he left me after we had seen twice at his home.I'm thin and toned and all the boys want to go out with me just because they think that I had a beautiful body. It's the flipside of the coin. Nevertheless as I was losing weight, I didn't want to be prettier. i wanted to made me out a new body as I could have erased in the same time, the fact that i had been raped. New body = new person. And this new person was never been raped. bit I cannot do away with my body and I cannot do my body over again. Somedays, I'd like to born over again with a new brand pure body...

Against PMS diet

I'm fed up with getting worked up about food. At the moment, I'm obssessed by eating bulks to go to the toilets. While I was counting calories few years ago now I'm counting each gram of dietary bulks and I can't stop thinking about that. Whatever I eat must contain fibers in eat and at least 1 gram.

This midday, I had to eat a club-sandwich whereas I wanted to eat a Nutella panini.

Nutella panini is the only thing that I can eat on midday for some weeks. I can't eat anything else and I had to force myself to eat this fucking sandwich even if I didn't want to eat it. I told myself that I had to eat it cos there are 3.4g of fibers in it. I wish I had eaten a panini cos it's easier to eat even if it's not easy but at least it's less hard.

I've tried again to drink salted water and it worked again. I drank it every morning. I take magnesium and B6 vitamin pills also and I feel more calm and less nervous. I've read on Internet that it works to ease the PMS and it really does. I've stopped to drink energy drink cos it does hypoglycemia which is a factor of PMS. That's why I eat panini or sandwich instead of drinking sodas.

Again 10 days before my periods :(

Fucking PMS !

My PMS is lasting 14 days and it's really getting on my nerves. I am nervous, constipated and I have spots all over my face. I don't understand why I still have my periods as I eat  few and as I'm only 89lbs. It doesn't make sense. When I was younger I was over 10 lbs more and I didn't have my periods some months. I was restrcting more than now though.

I'm suffering from PMS every months for 6 months. The most disturbing symptom is constipation. I eat only food enriched in bulks and vegetables. Whatever I've eaten, I haven't succeeded and so I use laxatives notably lactulose which is not dangerous. It's the only solution cos I can't stand not going to the toilets every day. I need to feel light. If it's not the case it seems to me that I gained 5lbs during the night even if I really didn't. It's just in my head.

I also drank some glasses of salted water this morning on an empty stomach and it worked really good. I will try tomorrow again to confirm if it really works or not.

I was scared...

I've spent a bad night. I was anguished because of my college schedule. I had noticed there was an optional class during a bodubuilding training session on Tuesday aftrenoon. I wanted to swap the cinema class for the communication in primary school class but I didn't know if I could.

I connected on the website of the college and I carried out to change my class successfully.

 I'll be able to work out 4 times a week ! I feel better now ! I know I'm a bodybuilding-addict. If I can't work out as much as I want I feel bad and I get to think that if I miss only one training session I won't be as toned as I could be. I know to think in this way is wrong but I can't do anything to change that. I need to be toned more than I need to be skinny.

On the one hand I need to have toned muscles and in the other I want to be skinny. In fact, I just want to be toned with not a inch of fat on my body.

People are amazing when I say them that I practice bodybuilding cos it isn't common for a girl. Other persons laugh at me or are jealous notably a man who I went out with ! It stands to reason he wanted to sleep with to feel husky just next to me !

For sure, boys are become a problem  for me. All of them want me just because I'm thin and according to them, I've a great and hot body. Not very flattering, is it ?? Being thing may have disadvantages !