I'm not pure anymore

I've got a cold sore and it makes me remmember that I was raped by a former boyfriend. I'm not really sure if it's a cold sore but I think so.but I'm sure I offered me my current underweight. It's been his own fault if i'm only weighing 89lbs. I had almost stopped eating naturally and lost over 10 lbs. I hadn't realized that I had been raped. I unconsciously denied the reality and the day i realized that it had happened to me I had been wasting my health for many months by snorting and injecting Subutex, by often fasting.

I was hurt by the reality. I couldn't realize that I had been raped. What's more i wish I had been able to refuse to have sex with him but I hadn't been and I felt guilty about it. I try to find consolation by saying myself that it wasn't my fault at all and that I was in the thrall of him and he manipulated me into accepting to have sex.

Now i'm living with that sad event of my past. He took the virginity of me but I'm still feeling virgin.

Since my rape I've gone out with another guy but I hadn't sex with him. Sex was the only thing he wanted from me anyway. Therefore he left me after we had seen twice at his home.I'm thin and toned and all the boys want to go out with me just because they think that I had a beautiful body. It's the flipside of the coin. Nevertheless as I was losing weight, I didn't want to be prettier. i wanted to made me out a new body as I could have erased in the same time, the fact that i had been raped. New body = new person. And this new person was never been raped. bit I cannot do away with my body and I cannot do my body over again. Somedays, I'd like to born over again with a new brand pure body...

Against PMS diet

I'm fed up with getting worked up about food. At the moment, I'm obssessed by eating bulks to go to the toilets. While I was counting calories few years ago now I'm counting each gram of dietary bulks and I can't stop thinking about that. Whatever I eat must contain fibers in eat and at least 1 gram.

This midday, I had to eat a club-sandwich whereas I wanted to eat a Nutella panini.

Nutella panini is the only thing that I can eat on midday for some weeks. I can't eat anything else and I had to force myself to eat this fucking sandwich even if I didn't want to eat it. I told myself that I had to eat it cos there are 3.4g of fibers in it. I wish I had eaten a panini cos it's easier to eat even if it's not easy but at least it's less hard.

I've tried again to drink salted water and it worked again. I drank it every morning. I take magnesium and B6 vitamin pills also and I feel more calm and less nervous. I've read on Internet that it works to ease the PMS and it really does. I've stopped to drink energy drink cos it does hypoglycemia which is a factor of PMS. That's why I eat panini or sandwich instead of drinking sodas.

Again 10 days before my periods :(

Fucking PMS !

My PMS is lasting 14 days and it's really getting on my nerves. I am nervous, constipated and I have spots all over my face. I don't understand why I still have my periods as I eat  few and as I'm only 89lbs. It doesn't make sense. When I was younger I was over 10 lbs more and I didn't have my periods some months. I was restrcting more than now though.

I'm suffering from PMS every months for 6 months. The most disturbing symptom is constipation. I eat only food enriched in bulks and vegetables. Whatever I've eaten, I haven't succeeded and so I use laxatives notably lactulose which is not dangerous. It's the only solution cos I can't stand not going to the toilets every day. I need to feel light. If it's not the case it seems to me that I gained 5lbs during the night even if I really didn't. It's just in my head.

I also drank some glasses of salted water this morning on an empty stomach and it worked really good. I will try tomorrow again to confirm if it really works or not.

I was scared...

I've spent a bad night. I was anguished because of my college schedule. I had noticed there was an optional class during a bodubuilding training session on Tuesday aftrenoon. I wanted to swap the cinema class for the communication in primary school class but I didn't know if I could.

I connected on the website of the college and I carried out to change my class successfully.

 I'll be able to work out 4 times a week ! I feel better now ! I know I'm a bodybuilding-addict. If I can't work out as much as I want I feel bad and I get to think that if I miss only one training session I won't be as toned as I could be. I know to think in this way is wrong but I can't do anything to change that. I need to be toned more than I need to be skinny.

On the one hand I need to have toned muscles and in the other I want to be skinny. In fact, I just want to be toned with not a inch of fat on my body.

People are amazing when I say them that I practice bodybuilding cos it isn't common for a girl. Other persons laugh at me or are jealous notably a man who I went out with ! It stands to reason he wanted to sleep with to feel husky just next to me !

For sure, boys are become a problem  for me. All of them want me just because I'm thin and according to them, I've a great and hot body. Not very flattering, is it ?? Being thing may have disadvantages !